My two cents.
I must add a comment to the matters that have been addressed: that is, Jessica's statement of "guys are dumb for not noticing when girls really like them," and the ensuing discussion. I will first address this point, and then address the chivalry issue that arose. As Elihu did, I have waited for the experienced people to speak (see Job 32); but some things have not been said that should be. Despite my youth and inexperience in these matters, I have something to add. I agree with everything that has been said up to this point, but these are great ideas that deserve some explication.
It is true that guys are stupid. It is both useless and no fun at all to deny it. I adamantly refuse to exclude myself from this designation: that is, I am a stupid guy. We are the Oblivious Sex in every way; we do not catch hints of any kind; and we often say/do things that are patronizing, offensive, and so on. Now, we aren't responsible for this weakness any more than a Woman is responsible for having periods -- and who among us having sisters or an acquaintance of many females can deny that these are annoying in their effects -- it's just part of who we are as people, and part of God's plan for our development. Cf. the proclamation on the Family.
So yes, "guys are dumb for not noticing when girls really like them". It's not the only thing we don't notice. We also are incapable of catching a hint when a girl doesn't like us. Or when a girl wants us to leave her alone.
Given these ideas (which are truths universally acknowledged and readily self-evident), I make a plea to all females who may read this:
Please, whatever you want to express, just come out with it. Say it, in clear and direct terms. You'll save time, energy, and stress, both mental and emotional, for everyone concerned. You like a guy, do you? Hang around him a little, get to know him. Most guys are completely not offended if you ask yourself out. I'm very Old-Fashioned, and I'm not offended by it. You despise a guy or are sick of him bothering you? Tell him! "In all honesty, I'd rather not." It seems harsh; but I promise you, a guy's feelings are not hurt for long. Say "No." Or even, "***** No." I should add, and this is important: You don't need any good reason to refuse the offer of a date, especially if that offer comes with less than a week's notice. If the guy is creepy, you can and should, nay, MUST, say No. Use violence (or violins) if need be. I have said before, and will repeat: "There is far less slapping in our culture than there needs to be."
**Example 1.1: **
Mike: Would you like to go X with me?
Cindy: "Well, I'm busy" or "I have so much homework" or whatever it is you say in your attempts to be polite.
Cindy was Less Effective. Colette will be More effective.
Tom: "Would you like to go X sometime?"
Colette: "No."
Cindy will have that guy on her tail for months, even years. But use Colette's method enough times and your problem is over.
I realize that we, as guys, should do everything we can to learn to speak 'female'. I try my best, as all nice guys do. But girls -- Please, please, make a least some attempt to speak 'male'!
Now to the Chivalry Issue. I plead, let him get the door. If he doesn't, call him on it. He might not know he's supposed to. His mother may have died young or something. A single, "You know, a polite young man would get the door..." is worth a Thousand, nay, a Thousand Thousand 'subtle hints'. However, this is only for the Uneducated. Should the guy "protest too much" or fail a second time, it's time for a nice and harsh "No."
Now, there are fine points. For instance, unless I'm told to, I won't get the door for a girl if it's her car. It's an awkwardness issue; I think it's quite silly-looking.
May add I few fine details about Chivalry? It's much more than doors. It's also compliments, among other things (gifts, rituals, so on). If a guy (who is well-trained in these things, not just a Normal Guy) compliments you, he's just being nice. It doesn't mean he wants to "Date Seriously" (if you like that term) or enter into pseduogamy (my term, which I prefer as being scientific. 'Pseudogamy' is my word for "Boyfriend and Girlfriend"*). And if a guy compliments you, accept it graciously.
**Example 1.2: **
Mike: "You look very nice."
Cindy: "Are you kidding? I look awful. My hair's always goofy..." and she will likely continue in this vein.
Cindy was once again, less effective. Susan will be More Effective.
Doug: "You have lovely eyes, you know"
Susan: "Thank you."
A few other ideas (for all, since it seems no one knows them). If a man is escorting a lady outside of his own home, she should walk on his left, so that his sword-arm is free. Old traditions. If a man is escorting a lady within his own home or anyplace he wishes to indicate that he feels safe, she should walk on his right. For instance, if I were in the Browning Center with a girl, she should walk on the right. But if I were in the Union Building, she should walk on the left.
Let me conclude with warnings: First, whatever you do, be totally honest and forgiving. Nothing else really matters. Second, Men: Don't ever make a big deal of chivalrous behavior. That spoils the effect entirely. Just do it. Third, everyone: don't ever say, "Chivlary is dead." Remember that whenever anyone says, "I don't believe in faeries" one dies. Fourth, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER compliment another person by putting yourself down. Your relationship with yourself is far more important than your relationship with anybody else; and as Oscar Wilde so eloquently put it, "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance."
*I invented the word, or so I thought. I had no idea it was a Botanical Term. It still conveys my meaning.
Recommended Reading and Viewing:
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (Or the other way round, I don't recall) by John Gray (Ph. D)
"The Road Less Travelled" by M.Scott Peck (It's rough, but it's worth it)
"Idylls of The King" Alfred, Lord Tennyson
"The Age of Chivalry" Thomas Bulfinch
"Sir Gawaine and the Green Knight" J.R.R. Tolkien has done a fine translation
If you're interested in an excellent book about the effects of our culture on young girls, I recommend "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher.
"Uncorked" - film - not really related, but the best movie EVER ("...Dang it", as B.G. would say)
|